Sunday, July 17, 2011

Dark Night Of The Soul

Luke Ford writes: The hours between midnight and four a.m. are usually restless ones for me.

I can usually nod off to sleep by about 11 p.m. but then I typically wake up around midnight. If I check my email, it’s likely I’ll encounter somebody I care about not responding to me exactly as I wish, and this increases my anxiety. If, say, I have to wait an extra week for an anticipated date or business meeting or payment, my fear of abandonment and of financial catastrophe becomes crippling and I don’t sleep until daylight.

When I’m smart, I don’t check my email late at night. I just put on Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits or perhaps some Air Supply or Mozart or Haydn or Debbie Friedman. I know I don’t want to lie alone in the quiet and just wrestle with my thoughts. I must be distracted. If I have to face who I am and where I am, I’ll get uncomfortable and restless and I won’t sleep. Instead, please God, let me lose myself in some romantic dream and then drift off.

If I were in a relationship, my need for romantic music would not be as acute. Meanwhile, Barry Manilow is my substitute for love.

I wonder if my musical choices are a cause of or just a symptom of love addiction?

I discuss the weekly Torah portion with Rabbi Rabbs every Monday at 7pm PST on my live cam and on YouTube. Facebook Fan Page. This week we study Parashat Pinchas (Numbers 25:10-30:1).

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