Not much sleep. I can’t get warm. June gloom. I feel ill at ease. Am I just starting to sense the enormity of my anxiety? Is that why it feels so keen right now? Am I letting down my defenses? Is that why the anxiety is flooding in? Am I surrendering my delusions that everything is OK?
On my 45th birthday, I was asked, “Are you all set up for meals [for Shuvuot]?”
It was such a painful question to answer because the truth was I had no invites. I must’ve flushed and blushed and stumbled through my reply. I felt awash in shame. I’ve lived in this community since 1994. How come I’m such a pariah?
I came here and people welcomed me. Every Shabbat, I had an invite. Then, starting in 1997, I blogged my way out of the Jewish community’s good graces.